Yesterday was awkward. I think there's a reason they say people kill themselves more frequently during the holidays than any other time of year. Not that I'm suicidal, mind you, I just... have a family.
I drove in with Molly from Chicago, which was nice because we never have time to just sit and talk for that long. When she took me to my mom's house, we left right away to eat with my mom's first cousin and her family. Long story short, it came to light that my mom has not told any of them that I bought my first home, because then she would have to tell them that David and I are living together. It made me wonder what everyone would say if they knew David and I entertain the idea of never getting married. If they knew we weren't going to have children. If they knew I was pro-choice and worked for Planned Parenthood, at a sex toy store where I teach people how to enjoy their sex lives more, that I used to be an HIV test counselor and taught people how to have sex more safely, and that I am going to graduate college and continue work in these areas as an activist. What if they new that if I do decide to play the game and get married, walking me down the aisle will be two men who have been together for 21 years and who lovingly refer to themselves as my Two Gay Dads? I had this feeling suddenly there that none of this was okay with anyone I'm related to.
Then I went to David's parent's house and laughed at dinner and discussed the problems of the world with people who understood me, or who could atleast respect where I was coming from. I was told by two different members of this family, my family now, that whatever David and I decide to do, they love me already like a third daughter. They kept asking what we needed for the new place and could they buy it for us for Christmas. It made me think of last Christmas, when David and I had our first apartment, and they bought us a dining room table.
And then I drove back to my mom's, late, after having coffee with my sister-in-law for hours, and felt like a stranger in this house. I didn't grow up here, I don't have memories here.
I'm realizing that no longer do I have two lives, Indy and Chicago, but one life, that doesn't fit when I visit my old one.