As I was climbing the stairs to our condo yesterday, breathing hard under the weight of three bags of dog food, I started to think about winter. The snow, the ice, the way the wind off the lake just cuts through people. I thought about taking Jake outside in the front court yard or late at night in the playground across the street, made into a ghost town by the bitter season. I remember how Jake made the winter blues that always envelope me so much more bearable. His salty paw prints on my new gleaming hardwood floors were a small price to pay.
I also thought how strange it was that this will be our second winter in the same place. I haven't lived in a an apartment for any more than 9 months or so since I moved to Chicago. It feels good to lay down some roots.

I've been thinking a lot about morality lately, and what that means for me. What that word means, really. I've always thought of things as right or wrong... and I've always seen the room for grey area, too. But I really began to consider what it all meant for me as an atheist. I guess I realized that all along I had never done things in fear of hell, or in pursuit of heaven... but I did them because I knew they were right... or wrong... or in between. And though some of the things I feel strongly about may seem silly or inconsequential, they are nevertheless on my list, important to me, if only me, and thinking about living my life by these principles makes me excited.
**Shop local as often as you can. Support local business. Local businesses create a nieghborhood, really. And as much as I love Target, it does nothing for the landscape or community on Peterson Ave. Often local is more expensive, but it's usually always beeter.
**Thinking about the environment is not a new agey hippy thing. It's sort of our responsibility. And buying a canvas grocery bag is not enough.
**I've learned the difference between hearing other people out, and tolerating ignorance. I used to be able to say, "You know, agree to disagree." But where would we be if we all just decided to gracefully avoid racial inequity, gender inequity? We still do. But at least some people were brave enough to say, "No! Your ignorance is not an opinion I have to accept and make room for!" I'm tired of making room for people like this.
**Your feelings on sexual morality are perhaps right for you. They are probably not exactly right for every other person. Stop thinking you hold the answers.
**Not everyone wants to get married, have babies, or do other conventional things. Asking people incessantly when they will do these things, and then prying when they say they don't ever want to, shows your lack of creativity. There are so many fulfilling ways to live a life.
**Traveling is important.
**Reading is important.
**The show you have to watch on TV, that you skip studying for, skip reading a really good book for, skip having sex with your partner for, probably isn't that good and you'll not remember much about the show in a couple of days.
**Take advantage of the fact that we are not the past generation. There is a lot more we can do. Do it.

...there are more, I guess. These are just some of the ones I have been thinking most about lately.

strange day

It isn't often that things throw me, or shock me... but today, things did. Or I should say, one certain thing did.

I am on my way out the door to catch a bus to Indy. I, along with two other women, am throwing a baby shower for my sister-in-law. I'll also get to see Molly on Sunday. Other than that, I'm in and out. You know, I used to feel bad about not seeing everyone... but there are two kinds of people in Indy anymore: the ones I try to see, but understand when I can't, and the ones that just don't matter. Does that sound strange?
I've learned a lot in the past year about what friendships I'll be keeping. There haven't been many surprises. Although, there have been wonderful surprises concerning friendships I never thought I'd be able to repair. Two of my best friends I've ever had... two people I made mistakes with, laughed until I literally wet myself with, people who witnessed the best decisions of my life... two people that I have reconnected with, who were in my wedding, who are back in my life.
There are sweet surprises in life. Many of them.

Sad storm

I'm sitting in my second floor office, in an old house with no air conditioning, with a type writer in the main office, and a toilet downstairs that can barely digest it's own bowl water, let alone...well, anything else.
The window is open. It's raining slightly. Weather like this makes me think of good rains in my life. Rains where I could stay inside, stare at it. Rains that I sat outside in. Rains I kissed in. Rains in other countries, rains with good friends... and now, rains at work, that I enjoy through the creeky window, that I can smell through the old and damp floor boards.
I've been interning at Chicago Women's AIDS Project this summer. It's non-profit, low budget at it's finest. After spending over a year at Howard Brown, and a little less than a year at Planned Parenthood, it's been an experience to watch the operations of a small facility that gets no research money, no big government grants. The Ryan White Act funds us, sure... but it funds our lease from a church, while PP and HB build million dollar modern structures. Our old radiators become book shelves in the summer time, and I wonder where all of these extra books and journals go to in the winter.
It's funny how sex, something that we all have built into us, hard-wired in us, is something we don't talk about. I wonder if we talked about it, if it would cause less problems. What I've seen over the last several years tells me that is the case. But I find myself omitting my stint working retail in a sex toy store from my resume, and being very careful when I tell new people what I do, where I work, what I want to do ultimatetly with me life. Because there's a rhetoric, a politic, a set of beliefs and standards behind it all, and some people don't think the things that I work on should be talked about. Or dealt with.
I say, tell that to any of the clients I've had over the years.
Now, with the toilet burbling downnstairs, and the light rainy breeze coming at me through the window by my desk, I remember the big budget operations I've worked for. Amazingly, the problems are the same. We still have an unmarked door, so our clients feel safe coming inside. We still answer the phone in code. We have plain, unassuming envelopes, address labels, and email addresses. We still fight for the same things. People are still, despite our efforts, coming up positive. Many positive people are still not able to access health care. You can still, ultimately, buy your longevity. Sure, you can live a long and rewarding life with HIV--- if you have the money. Good insurance. And I guess I just wonder, for all of the cliche politics I hear from both sides, how this happens. The Republicans say they respect life, that life is important...they call themselves PRO-LIFE, even. But when it comes to the lives of some people, people who are people and not fetuses... the free market reigns. The Democrats, especially with the advent of a black man and a women running for office, has talked a lot about equality. Yet, people of all races, gender identities, and creeds are not priviledged to the same health care as everyone else. Of course, the Dems are doing a better job than the Reps... but it's not good enough. Nowhere near it. Nowhere.
It's been over 25 years since the HIV case began coming out. And where are we? Where the hell are we?