So, in lieu of sandwiches...

I quit my two year long gig at Potbelly Sandwich Works.
!
Two years of a crappy, get-me-through-college, I know I can be replaced, corporate bull shit.... it's all gone! I haven't not worked in college. I've always had rent or a mortgage and everything else life brings. Now, I have a sugar daddy. :o) Okay, what I really have is a fiancee with a career, which is quite the concept to the struggling student that I am. So, this wonderful man and I paid bills last month and crunched the numbers and figured out that I'd be able to enjoy being a student these last couple semesters of my degree.
Oh. Cool. What a concept. And what are these days of the week I have now, referred to as Friday, Saturday, and Sunday?
What did I do today instead of making sandwiches?

I made, from scratch, without the help of my chef fiancee, or anyone else, broccoli potato soup. And it turned out really, really well.

Then, I sat down, put on the mixed CD I made for the housewarming party Molly and I had for the Cullom Ave. apt, almost exactly two years ago, March 25th, 2006. I sat and thought about how life changes, how she and I are both engaged, and both homeowners (quite a switch from the cat piss scented apartments of our past). I enjoyed my delicious hot soup, though it was not as warm as my fuzzy memories.


So excited by this excellent mixed CD I made, I began to dance. I got caught by my neighbors. I waved and kept going.

The point of me quitting my job was, officially, to give me more time to study. But, my bookcase sat untouched.

But I still have the rest of the evening and tomorrow, save the morning when David, off work the WHOLE DAY!, will make us pancakes before we head for a romp at the dog beach with Jake.

My job wasn't hard, it didn't stress me out...but, somehow, I feel so much better. I don't know if it's because I don't have three days or more blocked away in my mind to just stand on the line, asking people who are on their cell phones "How are you today?" and "Mayo, mustard, hot peppers?" And, now I feel that I have time for school and the beautiful things in life like cooking, thinking, dancing, and hanging out with this beautiful little guy.

"Do you ever feel like the best years have already gone
Come and gone and you didn't even know
they would ever go?
That they were the best?
I would have savored them more..."

I feel empty inside. I miss being creative. It fed me in a way I guess I didn't realize until I was starving for it. But there is no time.
I see no purpose right now. I see no reason. I see no greater cause, no eventual epiphany, no voice.
I think I've lost my voice.
And in searching, madly, throwing off old pieces of myself that are better than the whole I have now, I wonder if I'll ever be there, completed, authentic, happy, content.
I wonder if it was just the way things are when you're 13. Those days are never to be had again.
I wonder what I've compromised, what I'm settling for, where my passion went, where this cheap imitation of life came from and why it's still here.
Looking for a geographical solution, again, I wonder if I'm not just running away again. Will I really be better for it this time? Am I just trying to find excuses?
But it's too much here. That I know. I am not here. And suddenly I realize that I am just a ball of tears, Jan Arden lyrics, comfort food, and memories.
I only laugh at memories.

This city wears me out. Waiting for the bus yesterday and riding it home I just saw the congestion of rush hour, the mess of it all, and felt so closed in I couldn't breathe.
I think I always feel that way right before I know I am going to be in Indiana or some other place that offers a little calm.
But last night, when I got home from the awful commute, David convinced me to go on a walk to the dog beach. We walked up and down Lake Michigan, on the sand, in the park, and then watched Jake play with the other dogs in the fenced in "Mondog" (Montrose Ave Dog Beach). It was so fun. The sun was setting, it was almost 50 degrees, and it was just perfect. I can't wait to go tonight, with a camera. It made me forget the craziness of the city and reminded me of how much I love water and trees and dogs.
I could breate deeply, smile, and let the wind tangle my hair with the smell of the lake.
Perfect.

After being sick for over a week and missing a few classes, I am so behind. So so behind. I had a lot of time this weekend to catch up, but of course I didn't. I went to work, came home, walked the dog, and took a lot of naps. I watched a lot of TV. I spent some time with my thoughts. I still feel pretty tired from being sick and the weather, coupled with my current attitude, isn't helping much at all.
Someone I went to high school with passed away earlier this month. I just found out about it via the eerily omniscent facebook. Like the other deaths of former classmates, I didn't know her well. I spoke to her some, but not a whole lot. But again, I am sitting at the computer, holding back tears, because it scares the shit out of me how quickly life comes and goes. We have these plans, these goals... and we say things are meant to be. But those important goals and convictions for our lives are sometimes interrupted by death.
I've always been a morbid person. I consider it realism, but others have labeled it morbid. Call it what you will, I always have death on my mind. When David was trying for a year to convince me to adopt a dog, all I could think about was the heartbreak of one day putting it to sleep. Whenever David is later at work then expected, thoughts race through my mind about his body at the bottom of Lake Michigan. If I walk Jake alone at night I bring pepper spray and spend the whole walk not enjoying Jake's company or the breeze off the lake, but examining each and every passerby, the atheist, praying, even, that these people just see that Jake is a pit bull and don't look into his kind sweet eyes. A couple of my classes are in hallways where a lot of theatre students have their classes. Whenever I hear them making a lot of noise during rehearsals, I know there's a school shooting happening. I know where I'd hide in each classroom I sit in. It's hard for me to get close to people, because I know one day they'll be gone. One of the members of my intentional family (family I've chosen intentionally, not of blood relation) has HIV. There's a part of me that wants to keep him at arms length, because I know one day he'll be gone.
I know those who consider this "morbid" are right when they tell me that Jake will be around for at least 10 years, barring all disasters. I know David leaves work with an army of big kitchen guys carrying lots of knives with them. I know most of the people in my neighborhood are women walking alone like me. I know out of all the colleges and universities, a very small percent will ever be involved in a shooting. I know I have many years left with my friend. I also know that life will be much more enjoyable, that I 'll smile more, if I think more positively. What if I just loved Jake without thinking so far head? What if I just walked him, enjoying my surroundings and the quietness of the usually hectic city? What if I just loved the people in my life fully?
It means I would get hurt later. It will hurt worse when they go. I learned this at an early age and I can't seem to shake it. I don't know that I want to. In a way it makes me feel safe, like I'm cheating this birth and death cycle, like I have it figured out and I'm prepared for it.
Then, I guess we never are. And in being so negative and guarded and worried now, I'm not eliminating the hurt in the future. I'll just have both, where most normal positive people just have the one. I know that. But my experiences tell me to act otherwise.
I'm having a problem maintaining a healthy balance in a lot of areas of my life.
It makes me feel crazy.

One week of school and then Spring Break. I am going to start it in Indy for my wedding shower and seeing Rod's show at his new theatre (congrats!) and then I'm going to a panel discussion where I will hear Mike Sherry and John D'Emilio speak. Get excited!
I will then work all week, before returning to Indy on Friday for Webb's wedding shower. Haha. Wedding madness.
I'm excited to be in my hometown. There's something grounding about it. Everyone's a lot more real there.

On why weddings are nonsense

Now that I have the engagement ring, now that I have receipts from a photographer, the event space, and I'm trying to scrape together a deposit for a caterer, I realize
It's all bullshit.
I thought maybe I'd get caught up in it once it started getting closer, once the planning really started. But honestly, it's all becoming more and more ridiculous. We should be using this money to renovate the bathroom so we can resell this place someday. But instead we are spending thousands of dollars to tell each other what we already know: we love each other, we'll be together forever, etc. Sure, the buffet we're having sounds DELICIOUS, and I'm excited to see all of our friends and family in one place.... but, really, it's just a big show. I didn't want to register for gifts, I wanted to ask people to donate to a charity in our name. But people got mad, saying that we needed to register so we could have a shower, and that we "needed" things. Now that we have registered, we have found things we really do need, but I don't care about stuff. I just want to be with David, which I already am.
I got on TheKnot.com today (a wedding site) to see if they had any pictures of decorated cupcakes. There's an advice column on this site with stupid questions like, Can I do this or can I do that... sure, it's your wedding! The question today was whether or not all the bridesmaids HAD to match. What law of nature would be broken if they didn't? Would the bride and groom be less married at the end of the day?
The banner at the top of the homepage was, "Who had the best wedding of 2007?! Vote now!" The best wedding? Please.
I'm not stressed about my wedding at all, but what I am stressed about is this heteronormative culture I am contributing to, this materialistic culture, and why I need to spend thousands of dollars just to validate my relationship.

I am sick, again. Next winter I am going to live in a bubble. I get sick every year.
Saturday, the Cook County Board approved a raise in the home buyer transfer tax (it was only $7.50 per $1,000 when David and I bought). It's going up to $10.50! I'm just thinking that homeowners are really good for the economy that isn't in trouble, according to our really intelligent president (not for him and his cronies, I guess)... and it's becoming harder and harder to own.
ALSO, affecting renters and owners alike, the sales tax is going up again! The sales tax is my city is now 10.25. Are you kidding me? What is it in my hometown? 6?
This just adds to the mounting frustration I've had with Chicago as of late and I'm done. My heart is ready to drop out of school and go somewhere small, somewhere less expensive, somewhere that lets me keep the money I make and do something fun with it.
I'm ready. But I have almost a year until I can do anything about it. I know I've been at this juncture before and I ended up being really glad I stayed in the city. But this time, something is different. I know it's time.
Caroline Rhea is on TV right now. Who told her she was funny?
When are the Kathy Griffin specials coming back on Bravo?
I want the election to be over. I want feminists to understand that expecting women to vote for a candidate because she has a vagina is pretty patronizing. What if the female candidate was a really conservative republican? I bet not many feminists would be voting for her.
I'm pretty frustrated with things right now. Everything I am excited about lies far into the future and I just want it to be here now.
I'm not a patient person.