--lyrics from "Never Ending Math Equation," Modest Mouse (1998)
Since moving out on my own at age seventeen, life has been, as it is for most adults, a balancing act of income versus expenditures. Last fall, this rose to a frenzied level as my husband moved out, and I took on the mortgage and everything else all on my own. Life was a "never ending math equation." It came down to the pennies, and I recorded every cent I spent and made in a Word document, my account balances always at the front of my brain. This caused an obscene amount of stress that I could feel, physically, and that others could see. I got down to 98 pounds, and the fact that I had little money to eat didn't help.
But things are better now. Much better. Life is startlingly wonderful, and it's almost hard to remember the woman I was in those months. Almost. I hope I don't ever forget, as I learned more about myself during this time than I ever have. Aside from mushy, touchy-feely new age knowledge of "the self," I also gained an immense understanding of the way to move forward, especially financially.
I still find myself tripping over math problems, every sojourn to the grocery store incomplete without a calculator. I won't buy anything that isn't on sale. I check my bank account daily. I still keep that Word document budget. And even with my paychecks from my new job that pays so much better, I panic, thinking, I need more. I need more money. I don't. But I'm so used to existing in panic mode, that I can't relax and enjoy a modest, but normal, financial life. I am going on vacation this summer, I bought some new clothes for the new office job, and I signed up for an aerial arts class. I'm doing some fun things. But, not without fear. It was sudden, plunge into not having enough was shocking. It really was.
I'm hoping to find a balance. I'm hoping to always remember how hard it was.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
