Friday, December 26, 2008

I've been thinking about so much lately, and perhaps that is why I haven't written. It's not a lack of words I have but a plethora that is the problem, this time around. And still, the words twist around themselves inside of me, trying to make their way out into the world, but they become ensnarled in one another.

Life is beautiful and hopeful and shiny and new and old and comfy, too. This is a good mix, I think.

We didn't travel to Indy for the holidays, but stayed home. This was partly because David couldn't get off work (food service+holidays+new guy at work=no way), but also because we couldn't afford it really. And, David needed to save all of his paid leave for our vacation in early January. Some family members understood this, and other did not. It was evident from their phone calls on Thanksgiving and Christmas that they felt sorry for us, like whatever we were doing was obviously second best to being in Indiana. Sure, we would have loved to have seen Madelyn on her first Christmas... but, we will see them in a week or so. And, we were with our Chicago family, Jay and Dwayne. We laughed and ate and sang and had a great time. I was home for the holidays.

The longer I am here, the harder it is to imagine leaving.

The way the leaves stain the sidewalks after a good rain...all browns and green and yellows. The way the dog walkers all know one another, the only crazy people out in every weather imaginable, watching our dogs circle for that perfect place to make a deposit. The roar of the 'el out our window. The mix (and clash) of cultures on every block. The die-hard Cubs and Sox fans. Tiny neighborhood businesses. This is Chicago. And everyday it becomes more like home to me. It becomes harder to convince myself that this isn't where my life is, this is only life for the time being. I begin to see my future here. And I don't know what that means.

Christmas yesterday. How strange. All of this build-up, planning, gift buying... and I'm not even Christian. I feel so strange on Christmas day. Yesterday went from stange to sad though. Our closest friends up here, my "two gay dads" Jay and Dwayne, had to put their 16 year old dog down on fucking Christmas night. I know. Awful. Every few hours during Christmas, the vet would call with an update. They became grimmer as the day went on. Late last night they took a cab over to the vet hospital and made their decision.

It made us so... aware. Aware of how much we love our dogs, how lost we'd feel without the sound of their tags jingling, their snowy salty paw prints on our hardwood floors. It reminded us that while Jake is only 3 and Lucy only 1, we will someday have to make the same decisions. It was a hard night. They had no idea why they had lucked out, but they slept with us last night, because we just wanted to be near them. Imagine, two grown people and two grown pit bull in a full-size bed.

The sidewalks are ice rinks that are slowly melting to puddles. In 11 days I'll be drinking pina coladas on a cruise ship.

Strange.