I feel like this is the Chicago I signed up for. Chicago in the summer, at the dog park, with my hubby, eating dinner on my balcony surrounded by my plants, listening to the red line train to Howard rumble by, only to be outdone by the red line barreling southbound to 95/Dan Ryan. Yep. I think this is what I had in mind.




My worst fault is, and always has been, looking forward. Sure, we should all keep an eye on the horizon, be as prepared as we can, but that's not what I do. I'm rarely prepared, and always disappointed. For as long as I can remember, I've just been waiting for the next phase of my life. Of course, the most significant phase was moving out, to Chicago, starting school, becoming an adult. I spent high school wishing it would end, "planning" for the next phase of my life. Once I chose Chicago, it was over. I might as well have not even lived in Indy. I wasn't present. It was as if it had nothing to offer, nothing more to give. I was convinced, with an admittedly inflated ego, that I had "done" Indy, I had conquered it, and that it was time to move on. I was seventeen. I was young and naive.
And then I got here. And I had nothing left to think about. My "plan" had materialized. After the initial excitement of living downtown subsided....? What? What's next? I had to know what was next. Suddenly the independence I had so longed for wasn't so exciting. I went from child to adult overnight. I missed the four year intermission of college life. I got a full-time job three days after moving out of my mother's home, had a cat, renter's insurance, worried about health insurance. Things I had taken for granted were random, but jarring. I had never considered where recycling bags came from, how much toasters cost, or what happened when I didn't have enough money to pay for my cell phone. Those things were just always there for me. I wasn't ready to admit I didn't have it all figured out.
I've never been comfortable with "I don't know." How easy it would have been to answer "How long are you going to stay in Chicago?" or "What do you want to do with your life?" with a simple, "I don't know." I always had an answer. And I was always on the move. Molly and I moved in to 780 S. Federal St #506 July 9th, 2005 and were out March 20th, 2006. We had learned the city neighborhoods and realized that we could have an apartment three times as big with our own bedrooms for half the price. We moved to the Northwest side of the city, to the Lincoln Square/Ravenswood area. I changed schools and majors. I lived at 2442 W. Cullom #1 until January of 2007. David and I moved in together, still in Lincoln Square. But not for long. September 28th of 2007 we bought of first home and moved in. It's in the Edgewater 'hood.
I use the term "hood" quite purposefully. The grit of the city, the urban landscape, with all of it's problems and joys, is here. It's the experience directly opposite of my suburban upbringing, and directly parallel to the urban New Jersey I was born in. There's something very "full circle" about it all. And something feels more natural here. The dog beach, MonDog, and the dog park, Puptown, are close. We are five blocks from Lake Michigan. We are about the same distance from Andersonville's Clark Street area. We are a five minute walk or less from bus routes 92, 144, 146, 151, 36, 22, and my personal favorite, 147. We are literally around the corner from the Berwyn red line station, as well as the grocery. There's independent coffee places and two Starbucks. This is my home. For now.
Lately, we've been rehashing the plan of moving back to Indy after I graduate next year. It's tempting when we pay 10.25% in sales tax and realize that if we sold our condo even just for what we bought it for, we could buy a house larger than we need, and plenty of yard for Jake to run, for us to relax, for David to grow his veggies and herbs. But, there's something sort of charming about doing it like this:

As I sat outside tonight, Jake at my feet, the sounds of the alley and the train in my ears, the sight of the Broadway St. cathedral's bell tower in front of me, I tried to take it all in. All of it. The good, the not so good, the bad, the indifferent. I know one day, if we leave, this urban nest of ours that at times make me feel like a damn foreigner only three hours from where I grew up, will be a sweet memory. Maybe I really grew up here. Maybe I'm missing the growing, the lessons, the sweetness of life, by, as per usual, "planning" it all away.

Why don't people RSVP to weddings?
Rude.

Katie Webb's wedding was beautiful.

Being in Indy with people I love was beautiful.

Jumping for joy Thursday evening when I watched the news and learned that California decided to recognize gays and lesbians as full citizens by recognizing their right to marry was beautiful.

Having Katie Mac in Chicago with me for a couple days is beautiful.

The new Dave Sedaris book is pre-ordered and waiting to ship to me on June 3rd. That is beautiful.

Life surprises me sometimes.

I keep hearing Bob Marley in my head...
I miss the summer of 05.

This is the last week of classes and, for the most part, I'll be done. I have no exams, just papers, and I can BS my way through a paper much easier than a test. I'll have to go downtown one or two days next week and then it's off to Indy for Webb's wedding! THEN, Mac is coming home to Chicago with me for a couple days.
Summer.
I love it.
Chicago is amazing in the summer. It'll be even more wonderful this year because having a dog makes you go outside three or four times a day. And how can I look in those beautiful brown eyes and say no to a trip to the dog park?
The weekend was awesome. Friday I worked on homework, relaxed, and went to a job interview for a second summer job. I haven't heard anything yet, but my fingers are crossed. Saturday David and I got up reallllllly early to participate in Bark in the Park, which is an annual 5K for dog lovers and their dogs. It benefits the Anti-Cruelty Society, where we got our Jake. He saw so many old friends and we found his picture all over one of the posters there. Awesome. Sunday we got engagement pictures done (yes, the month before the wedding. Oh well!) at the beach and the park. It was a great dog-centric weekend.
Summer. It's here...

It's alarming to not know what side of a controversial issue to stand on, when the issue is of the utmost importance, when the issue directly affects every important part of your life.
Marriage equality. Good or bad?
I'll talk your ear off on the reasons marriage should be available to all people. First, to deny it, is something we call discrimination, ladies and gentleman. Not cool. It was only about 40 years ago when people were shocked at "miscegenation," and Loving vs. Virginia was actually a case to be tried. I'm not saying racism isn't still a problem, as if GLBT issues have replaced it as the "new" prejudice, but I am saying that there are commonalities in all oppressions, and that ignoring those commonalities is why we are here, denying people the right to marriage.
Marriage is a basic right of citizenship---as well as military service. These two institutions, marriage and the military, are central to our understanding of America and our culture, and our place within it. These two institutions exclude gay people. "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" was an attempt by Clinton to end the overall ban on gays in the military, but it ended up backfiring and we are left with the witch-hunting tactics of "Don't..."
Along with marriage come children, and family, more generally. Adoption by same-sex individuals, or artificial insemination, surrogacy, etc, is sought after, and hotly contested. I think there's something wrong when we equate what sort of sex people have, and who they have it with, to what kind of parent they might turn out to be.
So for years I've believed these things, understood them, discussed them, fought for them. I've sent money to campaigns over it, screamed about it, not dated people because of it. I've made friends around it. So when I started reading Michael Warner and George Chauncey this semester I was left thinking...
Um...uhh???
In fighting for equality, it's clear that the movement has quit fighting for acceptance. That is, acceptance for QUEER people, people who are gay and wish to live their lives separate from heterosexual norms. They don't want to get married, or serve in the military, or have children. The inclusion into these ways of society are assimilation, carving a space out in a world that isn't theres. And, on moral principle, a world they don't want.
Marriage is a discriminating institution. Aside for excluding gays and lesbians, and previously excluding interracial coupling, it works to legitimate sex in very narrow terms. It works to say when and what sex is okay. It helps to judge those who wish to remain outside of it.
The idea that part of the "gay agenda" (hehe, couldn't help it) is military inclusion is rather interesting, considering the early gay liberation movement, which came out of, or was parallel to, the anti-war movement.
So where the hell are we in the movement? Somewhere strange, indeed. While I think that everyone should be able to choose marriage if they want to, I realize now that the more people getting married, the more it will work to uphold marriage as the ultimate and only legitimate relationship, and that marriage isn't a choice, really. Choosing to be outside of it, straight people face endless questions and ridicule, judgment, and the continued notion that they are somehow not a real family, or are "living in sin." So if we allow gay and lesbians to get married, won't that just further stigmatize those who choose not to? Won't be creating sort of a secondary marginalization?
It's interesting stuff, folks. And I don't quite know what camp I'm in. Of course I really believe we should be DE-legislating, taking away the 1,049 rights a couple gains when they marry, and putting us all on the same even field...but I doubt this Judeo-Christian, marriage-centric society will do that anytime soon. I think we'll allow same-sex marriage first. With that said, doesn't that speak to a growing conservatism in the GLBT movement? If the real radical change would come from changing society as a whole, and we're looking at merely bolstering the discriminatory systems already in place... then what the hell are we doing? And where is the movement going?

I started counseling last week. This time, I am not the counselor. I am seeking counseling.
I spent my first year up here an an HIV test counselor. I loved it. LOVED it. It was the first time I really saw myself changing the world in the way I see it needs to be changed. Clients hugged me, cried on me, and I just knew I was on to something.
After three years in this city, I've developed a love/hate relationship with it. The hate, an awful thing to feel, has taken over lately. I hate the way I can't afford to do anything but pay bills, I hate that I have to walk everywhere and share the bus with crazy people, I hate that my best friends and family are not here, I hate that there is so much crime in the city, I hate that the bus or train is always late, I hate traffic, I hate school because I feel like graduating and using what I've learned, I hate
that I'm not happy.
I'm happy when I leave the city, or rare moments when I stop and look at the lake for a moment. I'm happy with David.
But my unhappiness is starting to blur those moments, and I take it out on David. That's not good.
I don't like who I am right now.
And, for once, the person who is always stretching herself to save the world, is trying to save herself.