The last few days have been so stressful. Of course, things could always be worse. They always can be. But I just feel like I'm going to explode.
Lest you peg me a predictable bride, this has nothing to do with the wedding. I'm excited for that, and knowing that I'm only two weeks away from seeing so many of my friends and family is about the only exciting thing going for me.
Moments like these make me realize why some people have religion. If I could attribute this to some aligning of the stars, to fate, to some grander lesson, to some master plan, yes, it would be a little easier to digest. I find myself, against my better judgment, my reason, and rationale, wishing I could believe in something like that. Julia Sweeney talks about the "band saw theory," saying that when she needs something random, like a band saw, she wishes she had a church. This church, with it's close-knit group, it's family-like atmosphere, would be full of older men with band saws lying around in their sheds. She wouldn't have to throw down a hundred bucks for a band saw she needs once. It's about community, really.
I always had community doing theatre. If I needed a band saw, there were several options in the scene shop, and there was always a cool mother or father of a cast member who could dig something up for you, somewhere. We came together most nights out of the week, spent our weekends together, and shared more personal information with one another than I think you do in church. I had the community, the access to band saws.
What I never had was the general comfort factor of knowing someone else was in charge, that somehow, it might be alright in the end. That it was part of a plan. I never bought it. When I grew up, I began to realize the implausibility of the notion, however nice it was.
But really, overall, and this is always easier to say when things are going really well, I am glad that I'm in control. Or, rather, maybe, that nobody is. It makes the victories sweeter. It makes the bad times less resentful. Who is there to blame or question for rape, growing up too fast when your father dies, financial troubles? I don't struggle to praise and worship the orchestrator of these things. Because I know they just...happen. Some things just happen. In our effort to explain it all, we've concocted some ridiculous stuff. Like the Greeks explained the world through myths, we continue. Somehow though, people don't see the correlation there.
I've read a lot of atheist/believer dialogue regarding the atheist's bitterness toward god for bad things, and that is why he is an atheist. To the contrary, I've had a really wonderful life. Sure, there have been hard times... I think most people have had hard times. I've gone through a lot at a young age. So have a lot of other people. It's not that. I'm not bitter, because that implies that I'm owed something by something or someone. I know that isn't true. I also don't think I had to go through these things to learn a lesson about life, or that I'd be less well-rounded, less of myself, had I forgone those experiences. Also, there have been some really terrific things. In most ways, I am very fortunate. I have more than a lot of people. Usually, I have no reason to complain. I'm not an atheist because I'm mad. I'm an atheist because I don't believe in anyone to be mad at.
I didn't choose this path. I just can't MAKE myself believe in something. I think if there is a god, it is probably more appreciative that I'm honest, rather than falling on my knees for something I'm not quite sure about. I think Buddha said it best:Believe nothing, no matter where you read it or who has said it, not even if I have said it, unless it agrees with your own reason and your own common sense.
And something about it, I cannot reconcile with my reason or common sense.
And the past few years have been a journey to appreciate that.