I feel like I can finally catch my breath.
The past eight months have been a blur of every imaginable emotion. I’ve exclaimed, during the same day, or perhaps even in the same hour-long period, that I’d never been happier, but also that I’d never been more lost. These things were both true.
I left a relationship I had been in for five and a half years. Sure, relative to my pending lifespan (fingers crossed, I suppose!), that is a blip on the radar. But at 23, it’s significant.
In the past eight months I have tried to make a marriage work, failed, sought a divorce; lost my in-laws, whom I loved more than I can ever convey; taken on a mortgage and bills on my own; started a new job; fallen in love, poured the entirety of myself into a relationship that was more about commensalism than mutualism, and then watched that relationship end in what can only be described as a spiraling mind fuck that left me sleeping abut two hours a night, not eating, and missing class and work. Over the course of the eight months, I’ve lost 22 pounds and while I’ve been healthier in the last month, still can’t seem to gain it back. I’ve listened to copious amounts of sad music, feeling sixteen again, lying in my bed crying, identifying with trite song lyrics. I’ve ignored my friends except for when I needed them and called them in hysterics.
I don’t like that person. I don’t. So I’m quitting that.
In February, I decided I’d had enough. One can only be sad for so long. One can only live dishonestly for so long. I thought I had learned, and heeded the lesson, back in August, but it has taken more heart breaking tutorials. I’ve observed who has stuck by me, who has listened to me cry about the same things time and again. Several people have driven to Chicago just to spend the night with me. As it turns out, my mother is incredible. These are things you miss when life is going your way. Friends are fun, mothers are obnoxious and overbearing.
Throw a divorce, a dysfunctional new relationship, and a loved one’s suicide attempt in the mix, and you understand what friends and family are really here for. It becomes real clear.
I feel myself bouncing back. With the spring, I am happier, I am smiling, I am laughing. I’m surrounding myself with positive people. I will finish applying to grad school, finish books I could never concentrate on, commit to laughing more than crying. I’m listening to more happy music. I’m seeing the light. I’m feeling the breeze.
I hope I can trust again, love again, and find myself again. I am laughing again, which is a good first step.
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